From Doubt to Agreement: My Journey with Oprah's Wisdom on Envy and Jealousy
When I first encountered Oprah's claim that relationships cannot thrive with jealousy or envy, I was skeptical. I thought, "If this were true, how could someone like Oprah maintain friendships given all her success and wealth?" It seemed an impossible standard.
But my life experiences have led me to reconsider this perspective, especially after I received “A Dark Soul of The Night Call,” while boarding a flight on January 18th. A woman, new to Los Angeles, whom I had known for less than 30 days, called to tell me about toxic, horrible gossip she had heard about me from a group of people that I’ve known for decades.
Because I was boarding a fully booked flight with hundreds of people around me, all I could do was whisper: “Why are you calling me with this? Their opinions of me don’t matter. Your opinion of me doesn’t matter. I barely know you. And what makes you think they care about you?”
My voice was steady and calm, although my heart was breaking inside.
After hanging up and my heart exploding with hurt, I calmed down. I buckled my seat belt and relaxed in my seat. I put on ear buds and played soothing music. And then as the plane sailed from Florida to California, I looked back over my life and realized how blessed it had been and how those blessings could have resulted in others forming negative opinions about me.
Growing up with a highly accomplished mother who broke barriers in education during the 1960s gave me a privileged life — a convertible as I rolled into UCLA as a freshman. A closet full of beautiful clothes. Credit cards to the main department stores should I need to refresh anything.
A beautiful apartment my sophomore year. Then my third year, I moved in with my tall, handsome UCLA basketball player boyfriend, who I eventually married. He’s my Idris and since I was 17, other women have, quickly, fallen for him.
While I was at UCLA, there were many trips and stays in Europe .
As soon as I graduated, I worked and played in Europe until I returned to get married, and then purchased and moved into a comfortable home, where I raised three amazing sons. Looking back now, I realize that my good fortune might have unsettled my Bruin buddies at UCLA, especially while I was busy living my best life. At the time, though, I was so immersed in the joy of life that I didn’t stop to consider what others might have thought. I truly embraced Maya Angelou’s mantra: 'What you think of me is none of my business.'
After the "Dark Soul of the Night Call," I came to understand that my good fortune had likely rubbed many people the wrong way. My free-spirited, Pollyanna-like attitude and independence made me oblivious to how others truly felt about me. I was so caught up in my own world that I didn’t stick around long enough to take stock of how the people around me were feeling.
When my mom and I rolled into the Bay Area in a Cadillac, moving to the top of El Cerrito Hills into a glass house with a stunning view of the Bay and the Golden Gate Bridges, I never paused to consider how my friend living in the Richmond projects might have felt about it. When I got a shiney new car on my 16th birthday, I didn’t feel sorry for those without wheels. When I was admitted into UCLA and three of my high school friends didn’t make it, I didn’t stop to think about the hurt they must have experienced.
But, I wasnt’ totally clueless. I understood how blessed my life was. I know that’s why I was called to careers, out of the spotlight, where I could give back: Teaching in Watts, and running a non-profit, Sisters Supporting Sisters, for 20 years.
Years later when doctors told my Mom that there was nothing more that they could do for her cancer and she decided that she wanted to come to live with me, I went into my closet and prayed for a beautiful house that we could afford. My Mom was a Queen, and I knew that she deserved a celebrity styled mansion. Yet, I knew that we didn’t have the celebrity fortunes that it takes to purchase a house in Southern California, where the prices are outrageous! I knew my three bedroom house wouldn’t cut the cheese.
So, I stayed in the closet for hours, telling God that I knew he could find me a perfect house that we could afford. I sat there until I knew deep in my bones that he would. He did and now that home is the object of jealousy and envy!
We’ve been here for over 20 years, and I’ve finally slowed down, stopped moving from group to group, and the gossip has, finally, caught up with me. Now, I’m finally able to accept that which was, probably, too painful to accept when I was younger.
I’ve also learned that envy and jealousy are often passed down through generations. Many people harbored envy and jealousy feelings toward my mother as she moved from being a Rockefeller Fellow to becoming a Superintendent, and then the Director of Military Schools for the Atlantic and Germany Regions, all while traveling the world. Decades later, that same spirit of jealousy and envy still lingers in some of my relationships with acquaintances and relatives who were connected to my mother.
The most painful realization, however, has been how envy manifests as destructive gossip.
I’ve learned that when people are consumed by envy or jealousy, they often create false narratives about the person they envy — stories that spread like wildfire through social circles and cause significant harm. In my case, those who were envious of me fabricated tales, perhaps to make themselves feel better about their own circumstances. This experience has shown me that the connection between envy, jealousy, and gossip is not only real, but deeply damaging.
What begins as a negative emotion in one person can evolve into a social contagion that poisons relationships and communities. This amazing article in Psychology Today, confirms this.
” 8 Things to Do If You’re the Target of Hurtful Gossip”
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/feeling-it/201612/8-things-to-do-if-youre-the-target-of-hurtful-gossip
At first, I disagreed with Oprah, but my own personal journey has led me to the same conclusion: when people show jealousy or envy toward you, it's best to distance yourself. These emotions rarely stay contained; they almost always manifest in harmful ways that can bring negativity into your life.
As for my part, when I feel envy or jealousy, I now pay close attention. These emotions are powerful signals. Being honest with myself when they arise usually uncovers something deeper — perhaps a desire or aspiration I haven’t fully acknowledged. These moments become opportunities for self-reflection, offering a chance to have an honest conversation with myself about what I truly want and whether it’s genuinely in alignment with who I am.
I've also developed another approach when dealing with these emotions: blessing those who are the objects of my envy. During one period in my life, all of my sons' friends lived in magnificent mansions, while we lived on the other side of town in a modest three-bedroom home that I loved. When these friends' parents would welcome us through their grand doorways, I would sincerely compliment them, saying, "What a beautiful home you have. I hope you know how blessed you are."
On my drive home, I would affirm to myself, "God is amazing, and it's wonderful how He blesses people. And if He can bless them, surely, He can bless me too!" This practice transformed what could have been bitter envy into an appreciation for others' good fortune and faith in my own future possibilities.
This approach helped me maintain my dignity and peace of mind, while also keeping me open to receiving my own blessings rather than becoming trapped in resentment and comparison.
Hopefully, you’ll find the articles at the end of this post are great resources if you have any issues of envy, jealousy, or gossip in your life. I pray that you don’t!
XO,
MeMe
P.S. FINALLY, WITH THIS LONG POST, I FORGIVE ALL WHO HAVE SPREAD NEGATIVE GOSSIP ABOUT ME, WHO HAVE TRIED TO HURT ME PERSONALLY OR PROFESSIONALLY WITH TOXIC GOSSIP.
NO WEAPON FORMED AGAINST ME SHALL PROSPER: ISAIAH 54:17
I REPEAT. “OTHERS’ OPINIONS OF ME ARE NONE OF MY BUSINESS!” MAYA ANGELOU.
I WILL ALWAYS SHARE MY LOVE AND LIGHT!
ARTICLES & RESOURCES
https://galenemanuele.com/blog/shut-down-gossip?format=amp
https://medium.com/@ishatkalra/the-green-eyed-monster-understanding-envious-people-5933d658b8d7
https://www.nytimes.com/2018/05/04/opinion/upside-envy.html
https://www.dictionary.com/e/jealousy-vs-envy/
And here’s Oprah’s wise video on jealousy and envy: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XBKa7PDnoVA
Sermon about betrayal entitled, “An Inside Job” by Rev Dr. Howard-John Wesley, Alfred Street Baptist Church, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eU8ACm4OgiE&t=8787s (He’s my virtual pastor. I, simply, call him the Anointed One!)
Here’s an IG excerpt of the sermon above: https://mail.google.com/mail/u/0?ui=2&ik=29775af7fe&attid=0.0&permmsgid=msg-f:1828809080082054099&th=19613c2b3c4cbbd3&view=att&zw&disp=inline